I am not a pretty girl... that is not what i do...

its only teenage wasteland....

2005-04-13T18:38:27Z

HERE WE GO

1. Another member of my family has cancer. wow. thats fucking cool. i dont know if i can handel going through this shit another fucking time.

2. I'm working 30 hours a week making $10 an hour. oh shit son, ive got mad cash flow. my brother helped me get the job, and i love him for it. i really dont mind what i do or the people i work with, which is nice.

3. My place of employment is RIGHT next to the airport, kind of far but not too bad. SOOO.. i bought a car! for $3,000 i bought a silver 97 saturn with only 65,000 miles on it. its in amazing condition cause it belonged to an eldry man who passed away. he straight up only drove it to bingo and church. it stayed in the garage all winter too. amazing.

4. I found a boy who makes me smile so much it makes my face hurt at times. nothings perfect and i know that we arent....but i cant help but bask in the bliss of having some one whorship the ground i walk on.

5. Ben called me last night to tell me about how he brok up with his g/f finally cause she showed up to the bar he chills at. after they talked she saw him talking to another girl and she came up to him and poured a whole glass of water ALL OVER him! haha. we still do our shit, and i love him with all my heart. but i also realize things will never be what they were. im so glad were still close tho. ( i dont know if im "allowed" to say that) i hope i dont get him in trouble for saying that we see each other daily...if you have a problem with our friendship you can fuck off, cause you aint got shit on me....bitch.

6. While all of this crazy shit has been happening i lost touch with my only friend. i miss her so much and yet i dont even know what went wrong. i wish nothing but the best for you love, cause you deserve it. ill keep you in my heart always. i hope theres no hate, cause i would love to see you again and catch up on shit. i understand tho if you dont want to speak with me again. i just hope you always remember how fucking amazing you are, and how much i love you.

....wow. that was a lot to get out. most of the time my heart hurts from being just so simply content with life. i finally feel like things are starting to make sense again. after what seemed like a lifetime of bad, im finally getting some good. and i dont feel the least bit guilty for loving every fucking second of it.

p.s. i almost forgot..... I LOVE DRUGS!

....and im not afraid to fucking say it.

but you can't will yourself happy

2005-02-02T23:35:38Z

today is a joyous day, its zoeys bithday day, shes 10! we are celebrating with some cake and a trip to glen falls to romp in the snow. she is my favorite old lady, and i love her with all of my heart....just look at how fuckin cute she is

life is life, same old shit. at least i have tee twelve to save the day...shes such a party and i am truely thankful to have her in my life. i love that i have such a truely amazing person in my life, with such a good heart, she is my other half, and i would feel incomplete with out her.

i really miss high school in the sense that i dont get to randomly talk to people who were never my really close friends, but who's company i always enjoyed. so basically, if i ever talked with you in school weather if it was often, or even just the occasional hello. i miss you dearly, and i would love to hear from you even if its just a simple hello, a comment in here or online....i dont know what the fuck im trying to say. ::::dork:::: but i do really miss tons of people, i could probably fill this page with all of your names, but i guess im just hoping you realize if you know me or have known me that im reffering to you, and maybe, just maybe, you miss me too. well...here is my #, in case any one gives a shit, or is even reading this...6281387

http://www.picturetrail.com/sillylilgurl109

lovers

2004-12-31T05:58:37Z

...true love.

i will not let that fucking cunt seperate these two.

its on bitch.

...and, oh yeah, ARENT THEY CUTE AS HELL???

i< 3 my pussies.

not that any one cares...

2004-12-10T08:02:56Z

Yeah, so what, I made another mistake. I actually thought some one gave a shit about me. I thought maybe there was a chance. I should have known you were just like all the rest. I should have known that there is no hope for me. How did you get in? how did I let my guard down. It was something in your touch, in your eyes, in your smile… it broke me down inside. You gained my trust only to prove my worst fears true. You said you cared, which was a façade to cover up your ugly truths. You left me so broken, so empty, and you brushed me off like nothing ever happened. None of it matters and neither do i…. Maybe I AM crazy… and maybe it was all a game. Well I just want you to know you’ve won…you’ve done it. Succeeded in proving that you are stronger, and that I will fall for anyone who will pretend to listen, and to care. I felt it that night, when you invaded my body like an infection. I knew what was coming, and I played along until you packed up your eyes and ran away. I know now that you never meant anything you said, and im sorry I ever believed any of it. Because you took away the little bit of hope I had left, and left me feeling used and degraded. Im back in that position due to my own stupidity….because I thought maybe..just maybe it was my turn to have some one real.

But you’re just fake, And you know it.

i have to squint when i look at you...because thats how beautiful you are.

2004-12-08T03:00:54Z

Its nights like this that remind me of what you are. I guess I really do know now that you can never stop. The drugs are dearer to you than I am, they always will be. Its nights like this that leave me feeling mentally fucked. There’s nothing more in this world that hurts me more than seeing you like that, because it’s slowly taking your life, and you for some reason you cant see it. I care so much that I am going to walk away; I told you this was it, and I am going to stick to my word. So here I go, im going to have to leave you behind now Ben, because I’ve done all that I can.

byelove.

not a pitty party....just the truth

2004-09-23T21:28:18Z

Only the Good Die Young

There is nothing like being told your father only has a few days to live. So much flies through your head. Scared, nervous, angry, upset, and hopeful, I have felt them all. I knew I needed to be strong and grown up about this, and yet at the same time all I wanted was to be the little kid that yells and screams. I was stuck in the middle of it all. Even worse, is being awakened to find out he’s gone. So much flies through your head. But the only emotion I can remember is sorrow.

That morning I heard those same footsteps I’ve heard all of my life creep up the stairs, only I knew this time was different. As my eyes flung open, my heart jumped into my throat. My mother stepped into my room, sat on my bed and whispered “ Daddy’s gone.” My entire body went numb. The rest of that morning, Wednesday May 28^th, is a blur of emotions and still frame moments that are forever burned into my mind. The last month of my father’s life I watched his strong forty nine year old body crumble. He turned into a dying old man; simply looking at him made my heart break. He could no longer walk on his own, needed to use an oxygen tank three times a day, and took so many pain killers that his mind was no longer his own. I watched his body fail him as he suffered through his painful death. He was not ready to let go though, and he fought death until he took his last breath. He was always a fighter.

Ten moths earlier he had been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. Excluding two hospitalizations and the last month of his life, he never allowed his diagnosis to change anything about him. So I watched him helplessly shut down, and I was strong, I was strong for him. That morning when I walked into my parent’s room to find his lifeless body, my strength failed me. I froze. That one single moment in time seemed like eternity. I can remember it clear as day, and I know my mind will never allow it to slip from my memory no matter what my age. It felt as though some one had thrown a bag of bricks at my chest. I placed my hand over my mouth and sobbed. I let it all go, unable to move my aunt and grandmother had to carry me to a chair.

My aunt, grandmother, and my mother all took care of my father when he became ill. The night before he died I sat in his room with them for close to four hours. I watched this unfamiliar old man who had taken my fathers body gasp for air. His frail body had been beaten by cancer, and it seemed to almost sink into the bed the same way in which his chest sunk into his shoulders. I remember sitting there, being so proud of myself because I was not crying, my grandma rubbing his head and telling him “it’s okay to let go now.” She kept repeating that we were all there with him and telling him how much we loved him. I wanted to yell and scream. I was so angry. I wanted to curse the world for taking life away from a man who deserves that and so much more. However, that night I did not shed a tear and barely said a word until I was alone in my room. When I knew I was alone and it was safe to let go, I wrote this in my journal:

I have so many different feelings about my dad. Sometimes I hate

The world because it’s so damn unfair, or all I want to do

Is cry about it and be depressed, sometimes I pretend

Like it’s not there, and sometimes I just want him to let go. He’s so sad.

I want him to know that I love him, and that I’m going to miss him.

But most of all I want him to know I will be all right. Even thought I

Won’t, I don’t want him to worry. I try to make him proud, and I hope

I do every day. I love him with all of my heart. Saying good-bye is hard, but I’m

Just glad I get a chance to do it.

As my family started to arrive to say good-bye I realized how much my life was going to change. Hospice came back and took away their oxygen tank and all the pills, including the pills they had placed in my fridge to give to my father when he was dying. They were supposed to ease his pain. Nevertheless, they made me nauseous. Every time I simply opened the fridge there was a constant reminder of my fathers tragic fate. That Wednesday morning I’m not sure if he got those meds, but I knew deep down later that night when I watched the sun set at the river that he was no longer in pain. Cancer had beaten his body, but not his soul. His beauty, strength, and compassion were still as strong as ever, that sunset was just a reminder, and it gave me hope.

After everything, I searched my house for pieces of my father I could hold onto. I took all of his old CD’s: The Beatles, Garth brooks, Bruce Springsteen, Joe Cocker, Elvis, the eagles, Simon and Garfunkel, Billy Joel, Janis Joplin, Willie Nelson, and Meatloaf to name just a few. I listen to those and so many more that he owned, and my mind always flies back to driving in the car with him and listening to him sings lyrics in pitches I had never heard before or even knew existed. I’m thankful that he left me with lyrics to explain his short life, because in a way I feel robbed. However, Billy was right, it’s true that only the good die young.

...goood ol english 12

can you handle the truth?

2004-08-05T22:24:59Z

http://www.petatv.com/tvpopup/video.asp?video=mym2002&Player=wm&speed=_med

im not gonna waste life being hateful....

2004-06-10T01:14:05Z

tommorw is my last day of high school

im not too sure what to expect

...but....

this summer is going to be such a party

the class of '04 is gonna send this biatch out in style!

i love you twelve

want the kind of person who can make me feel right, not sloppy drunk sex on a saturday night

2004-05-27T22:21:04Z

you know that it would be untrue...you know that i would be a liar

if i was to say to you, TWELVE we couldnt get much higher

ha.

i love being called your beautiful flower....

its our little secrect....SHHHH

" i think in color. words, like life, arent always black and white....its hard to tell what is what in the rainbow of my mind."

fuuuuuuck.

you remind me of the times when i knew who i was...

2004-03-25T00:44:05Z

Are You A Pothead? by MetalKronic
Name
AKA	uuuuggggggggg
You	pothead, definitely
You smoke out of	a Glass piece

Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

..story of my life....

ive got a heavy heart to carry but a very strong will

2004-02-22T17:20:02Z

fun weekend.

i love partying it up with talia

and laughing at josh being special.

and drunken times with my crazy ass family.

and hearing that ben is trying to get people to beat me up... HA.

and random boys that pop back into my life

but most of all i love cuddeling!

i really need to hit up Vikki S.....nothing makes me feel better than shopping for panties!

im such a girl

nothing good comes easily....sometimes youve gotta fight

2004-02-15T18:29:09Z

tried to make the best of another shitty v-day by hanging out with talia...

shes the love of my life and i dont know what id do with out her

we partied and sent it out in stlye like we always do!....

then my sister called to tell me my grandpa died....

happy fucking v-day.....

have you ever felt like you cant escape it?

like everytime you pick yourself up

life just takes another shit on you.....

thats the story of my life......

i think that your body is something i understand

2004-02-07T11:13:00Z

i cant sleep cause you just left.....

and my bed smells like you.

this has been happening way too often....

another night that didnt really happen.

maybe someday people will realize that you were the one lying all along.

untill then you'll do this and get away with it......

~if the mattress was a table top
and the bed sheet was a page
we'd be written out
like a couple of question marks

i cant do this anymore ben......

take what is left inside of me....I've no use for it

2004-01-30T04:16:20Z

so everyone hates me....fun.

my sister just explained to me how every girl at west hates me.

and sadly, it made sense.

maybe their all right. maybe he was right....

i always do a good job at fucking things up.

ani......

my thighs have been involved in many accidents
and now i can't get insured
and i don't need to be lured by you
my cunt is built like a wound that won't heal
and now you don't have to ask
because you know how i feel
you know how i feel

.................me

if three words could heal you i would only speak two...

2004-01-23T20:53:37Z

i just gave up.

i finally realized that its no use any more.

there is no "us"

i guess i just got sick of pretending things were going to work out.

i cant let myself care anymore. i wont let myself care anymore....

this will hurt me less and less everytime until i feel nothing

we are made to fight, and fuck and talk and fight again...

2004-01-19T18:48:58Z

im getting sick of this pattern.

its sad that ive become so numb to what we do.

i just except that the using is mutual, and move on.

but i dont understand why you just cant fuck your girlfriend, and leave me alone.

last night sucked ass.

i hate boys that are whipped.

no, i hate people that are whipped.

get a fucking life and move on.

you keep telling me im beautiful..... but i feel a little less so each time

unrequited love...

2004-01-07T18:09:00Z

nevermind. its my fault. i should of never let my guard down and let you in. i thought maybe you were different, i was wrong.

its not fair to remind me, of the mess you left when you went away

2003-09-30T02:37:17Z

i dont understand life. ive lost track of everything. i keep hopeing one day ill wake up and this wont be my life. theres so much bad shit...... and the one thing that always made me happy makes me more depresive now. im so fucked up all the time. perma-stoned is an under statemnt. i dont care about anything anymore. school, family, friends, field hockey, my life.....im empty. its all a waste of time.

all i want is for you to help me... but i cant do it. im too scared, scared to ask, and even more afriad of the answer. either way its hell. so lets say i trust you again..... i let you back in. but how long will it be this time? how long will it take you to find some one hotter, some one skinnier, prettier, better than me. it happens every time, and every time im crushed. you say no....im gone. i dont want to do it all over again.
*i absolutely hate my life*

what the fuck....

2003-09-22T02:37:53Z

live journal is gay... but i need to write this:
i LOVE it when stupid ditzy ass bitches who used to be friends with me flirt with people they used to tell me they hated. funny...only not. what a dumb cunt bag. way to go... flirting with other boys in front of your man! o well..... we all know who he goes home with..... =)

i hate everything about you......

2003-09-05T22:45:23Z

im so done. gone. im not dealing with this any more. ive let so much shit go by, and ive tried so hard to save you. but im not doing it any more. i forgave you for putting pot before me, for calling me a fat whore, and even for breaking up with me the day my dad died. theres so much more shit that ive tucked away and try not to think about. because i know the real you, and thats not it. but this is something i cant even begin to comprehend. your such a fucking hipacrite. you are your dad, and i know that scares the shit out of you. but i cant understand why you would fucking do this? i excepted the pot, i excepted the other girls, your new "job", i even excepted the smoking..... but her.... and the drugs... im not gonna do it. your fucking up your life, and im not gonna be here to save you. FUCK. i fucking stuck up for you every time she said shit about you, you both HATED each other, and rightfully so. she used you to add to her list of boys, we both know that. and i dont know if you forgot about it or your just so fucked up from that shit that you cant remember. you said this year was gonig to be better than last, your so fucking wrong. o well, thats just another one of your empty promises. im not going to be here this time when your done. this is the last straw, i know ive said that so many times. but this time i fucking mean it. im so through with you ben, youve fucked up one to many times. so have fun, have a good time with your drugs and your dirty slut. cause im out.....

dont just walk away, pretending everythings okay

2003-09-04T01:49:47Z

senior year... sigh. it looks like it actually has potential to be good tho. ive been talking to a lot of people i havent been tight with in a while. which is amazing. my classes are sweet, cant complain too much. late arrival and early release, def sweet ass! my lunch kicks some major ass! its like a non stop party up in that hizzie. PLUS..... i get to see talia throught the day. i love her. nothing but love...=)

some people change so much, im so scared for him. dont turn into exaclty what you said you wouldnt. because i dont want to be the one that saves you, again. dont fuck up your life like that. im begging you. your heading down the wrong path and everyone knows it but you. i guess theres only so much i can do, but you have to know that im here, fighting for you, always. im so scared for you.... wake up and look around.... thats not the real you ben.

so whats up with the lack of hott boys in our school? cause i dont know what im going to do this year....o well. im sure some one will pop up out of no where. thats usually how it goes.i have my 1st field hockey game of the season tommorw.... we best kick some ass! well im off to bed. night lovers. kisses

if it makes you happy.... then why the hell are you so sad

2003-08-27T04:13:21Z

teenagers really do have a shit load of stress. our lives are all fucked up, yet in different ways. some people have fucked up family, for some its there friends, some relationships, and theres just so much other shit that goes down. its insane to think one will ever get out of all of this alive. or even in one peice. i know im sure as hell not in one peice. people have their own situations, and no one can judge which situation is "worse" or more stressfull. because there all different. i mean pitting the loss of my father against some one breaking up with a sig. other, obv my situation sucks a bit more. but the other person still got hurt, and deserves to feel that way. damnit if your having a shitty day, you have the right to cry. sometimes i wish i could make it all just go away. i care so much i just want to save everyone i love and take them away with me!

ive been hanging out with ben a lot again. trying to take care of him and keep him on his toes. hes a good kid at heart. and ive been making sure talia is alright. she deserves the world, and i try to at least give her a little slice of it. i dont have much to offer cause i know im not what she wants!hehe. but i do my best. works alright. i messed up tonight and some mean lady made me cry. o well. shit happens! all n all lifes been alright. ive been stressed to the max, but im dealing. i miss my dad a lot. i find now that little things remind me of him and make me cry. or ill just be really sensative, to shit that shouldnt matter. sometimes my field hockey coach pisses me off enough to make me debate quitting. but i wont let some prick who thinks with his cock run me out of town! hes such an ass. im dreading going back to school. i see my self skipping at least once a week. hehe. good ass times! well im out. peace

*only one good thing came from this school year....you*
"we'll share the shelter of my single bed"
* I LOVE YOU, its that simple *
*with all my love, benja* <--- what ben wrote in my yb shpmore year ( of course it looks cooler and much more artistic )

cause theres no more trying to make this alright

2003-08-20T17:32:11Z

so true....

Protector

The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

fuck life.... i give up

the sweetest thing.....

2003-08-17T23:10:10Z

i hoped that i would wake up and forget about last night. i hoped that the amazingnes of it all would just slip away from my memory. holding you and watching the sun rise made my heart hurt. no matter what i do i always get pulled back. it feels so good to be with you, but i cant. we both know it just doesnt work, and i can tell it kills you too. im not doing this all over again. ive gotten this far and i cant start all over. it will be the end of me. friends is how it is and friends it will remain. im done with that shit...

sooo the other parts of last night were INSANE! i tripped my fuckin balls off. it felt so amazing. me and talia had such a good time in her room, laughing our asses off! i cant get enough of her. after that we met up with some other peeps, and the shit hit the fan. i need to thank talia for protecting me from the evil poop log! ha. and i need to apologize for giving in to it. i hope you understand where im coming from.... but besides all of that we have some amazing memories from last night.... the maze book, the real life race car video game, your brothers music, the po po at the river, the sandwhiches, the fire works,the poop log, and everything in between just kicked some major ass! thanks for the amazing night dear! i love u tons! well im off to shower and go to bubble tea. peace out

cause maybe, your gonna be the one that saves me....

2003-08-16T19:36:05Z

i have been having A LOT of fun lately. talia is my life, and i love her to death. we always have such a good time together. last night was soo much fun, playing with maze books and the puzzel island book. we laughed our asses off! work is sweet ass, everyone there party's together and i love it. im trying to forget certian people, because i know it will make my life easier. which is hard and sucks, but im getting better at it. me and josh have been hanging out A LOT lately. i think we just enjoy each others company. field hockey starts monday....aka, my life. im going to see this HOTTT ass girl in a college field hockey game in october with kristle. we are going all the way to albany to see her. ROAD TRIP! itll be a good time. and the *BEST* of all, ani's coming soon, and this person my sister works with is hookin us up with some wicked close seats! kick some major ass! tonight= party at talias house. my moms going away next week= party's at my house. lots of fun, but for now i must go eat some ice cream. peace out *there are many things that i would like to say to you but i dont know how....*

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